CHUMS: 



A FA^ISAL 60MEDY 



IUST 3 ACTS, 7 SCE1TE3S. 



BY 



WM. J. GOING, 
AMSTERDAM, N. Y. 



BENNINGTON: 
YOUTH'S FRIEND PUB. CO. 

1888. 




A FAJ$I6AL SOMEDY 



I3ST 3 ACTS, 7 SCEOTES. 



BY 



t 



WM. J. GOING, 

AMSTERDAM, N. Y. 



2-037/ 



BENNINGTON 



YOUTH'S FRIEND PUB. CO 

1888. 



: ZMDH3 



x .V 



Copyright, 1888, 

BY 

WM. J. GOING. 



TMP92-009273 



CHARACTERS. 

micuael McCarthy, > T r T 

TERRENCE O'RAFFERTY, $ iwo UHUMb ' iRISH 

LAWYER LAWSUIT. 

HANS, a German. 

JUDGE BROWN. 

COPPER McGRAW, an Irish Policeman. 

DICK, a Negro. 

AH SING, a Chinaman. 



SOPHIA, ( 

"o i oung Ladies. 



IA, > T 

MARIA, 5 lvv 



.[ A N E, Servant Girl. 
LANDLORD. 
JIM, [baggageman. 
JAKE, His Pal. 
FIREMEN. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act L, Scene 1. — How are you, O'Rafferty ?— Bad Mick ate 
onions! — Can you change a twenty-dollar hill? — We '11 go to 
the picnic. Scene 2. — That 's more than you 've got. — Oh, I 
wo' n't forget it! — Just let uie sliver it once. — Say, how do 
you run it? — McCarthy, you look had. — CRafferty, will yon 
swing me? — Right this way, ladies! Right this way? — Hall 
a dollar, hoss ! — How is your shoulder? — -The Copper McGraw.- 
The arrest. — Black soda. — Me lovee Melican girl likee devil. — Tin 
greased pole. — Irish, I vant to say something. — Where is your li 
cense? — Go for him, O'Rafferty! 

Act II., Scene 1. — De Irishman he make all dot trouble. — Yes. 
we lawyers have a great capacity. — Are yon the baggageman ?— 
He lies! He lies! — McCarthy's trunk. — Oh, what a steer! — A his- 
torical pun. — Train going west. — Oh, you horrid beast! — Tickets*! 
Tickets! — The robbers. — Hush! — Throw him in the trunk! — Oh, 
murder, Oi 'm kilt! — All aboard! 



I V SYNOPSIS. 

Act III.. Scene 1. — Did you lose your trunk, McCarthy I- 1><> 
you want another <;ase ? — He anticipates a drink. -What in the 
levil — No, it 's in the lawyer! — The plot.-— Why do n't you stuff 
him? — Aisy, now! Aisy! — Oh, the devil! — Fo' de Lawd's sake! 
Give me a room. — Please to register.— Now handle that aisy. 
Scene 2. — -A.ch, mein Gott! Spooks mit de trunk!— Your father 
stole sheep. Scene 3. — -There is nothing like a solid smoke.— Did 
you ring, sir? — Where 's me pipe? — Get out, yon hypocrite! -You 
are my prisoner. — Fire! Fire! Scene 4. — -When does the menag- 
erie open? — Did you hear a laugh? — Five" hundred dollars. — His 
pantaloons. — What "s the matter with whiskey? — F il tine yon for 
contempt of •• >urt. — Fustice! Justice! — One moment. — Not guilty. 
— Order! C ier in the court! — Oh, let me out! 



SCENES AND PROPERTIES. 

ACT 1. 

Scene 1. Street in 1. 

Scene 2. Picnic Ground in 3. Two douhle hench seats ; swing; 
soda-water stand; string-brush ; two guns ; two lish-poles ; one tish ; 
one long black bottle; whiskey gla-ses. 

ACT II. 

Scene 1. Railroad Depot. Two trunks; seats; lanterns; baggage 
dieck ; ticket office ; McCarthy's trunk. 

ACT III. 

Scene 1. Office in hotel in 3. Chairs ; desk ; register ; pen ; ink. 

Scene 2. Hotel corridor in 1. 

Scene 3. Bedroom in 3. Bed; washstand ; pitcher; washbowl; 
towel ; chair ; club ; pipe ; tobacco. 

Scene 4. Courtroom in 4. Judge's stand ; books ; table ; chairs ; 
oedquilts; wreck of the fire; handcuffs. 



idHUMS. 



Act 1 , Scene t.-*— Street in 1. Music, quickstep. Enter r. 1 e. 

Michael Mc< Jarthy. Enter r.. 1 k. Terrenoe O'Rafferty. J/d<?£ 

at o. 

McCarthy Well, 'pon nie sowl, 'Rafferty, an' how does you do ? 
( They shrike hands.) 

O'Rafferty. First rate, me ould sweeper. How are you? 

Mb; Oil, *»ire Oi feel four times better than first rate. 

O'Raff. Well, Oi 'in glad to hear it. How is your woife? 

Mc. Oh, g >od, man. good. 

O'Raff. Well, Oi 'in glad to hear that. Of course, as long as 
you m liaise to agree, it 's all right. 

Mc. I) > y mi mean to say that me woife an' Oi disagree? 

O'Raff. {tr igie illy). Well, Oi have heard it whispered that your 
woife was in tie habit of enforcing her opinions with something 
tougher than her fist. 

Mc. What do you mane be that \ 

O'Raff. A brick. 

Mc. Do you mane to say that Oi, Mieheal McCarthy, would 
strike me woife with a brick? 

O'Raff. Oh! ho! Thedivil! You— you strike! Ha! ha! ha! 
No, bejabers! Oi heard that she struck you. 

Mc. Mr. O'Rifferty, Oi '11 have you understand, sir, that all slurs 
and insinuations reflecting upon the domestic relations of me and my 
wnife are received with supreme displeasure and disgust by Mr. 
McCarthy. 

O'Raff. [very meekly). Well, Oi only said what Oi heard. 

Mo. Well, Oi heard what you said, an' Oi don't want to hear it 
again. 

O'Raff. An' why i 

Mc. Because you might rile me; an' if you rile me, you '11 find 
nie a very disagreeable sort av a man. 

O'Raff. Oh! ho! Bad Mick— bad Mick ate onions! 

Mc. Vis; an' Oi VI ate you, if you were in a health v condition. 



OHUMS. 



O'Kaff. Oil, you would ! Well, maybe you had better postpone 
v.uir luiicn. 

Mo. Well, lie the way you re looking, Oi think Oi had. 

O'Raff. Oil, stop your gutter gusli and listen to ine ! 
vlo. Wiiat o > you want uie to listen to ( 

O'Kaff. To wnat Oi 'm going to tell you. 

Mj. Well, ^o aUy. Roll it out on a plank. 

O'Kaff. inere 's going to be a picnic 

Mc. Wiieu '. 

O'Raff. Da. after to- morrow. 

Mo. Where '( 

O'Raff. Down at Quibbledash Junction, three miles below. 
You know where it is. vVe '11 start this afternoon, an' we '11 spend 
two .lays fishing and hunting, and then wind up with the picnic. 
Ooine along! We 'Jl have a racket! 

Mo. (asiiie). Yi»: an Oi il iiave to pay tor it! 

O'Raff. Av course, you know Oi '11 pay for everything. But 
you wo' a t let uie. Sure, Oi can see it right in your eyes! You 
uiver iet me stand any av the expiuse! 

Mo. {looks at him). Oh, av course! You are always ready to 
stand lie expense! Oh, ye* : you always are! 

O'Raff. Well, as Oi "ve a little business to attend to, Oi '11 go. 
( W.li pji'6). Oi 've ten thousand with me, an' Oi must go an' make 
a deposit. (Mc. looks at him). So Oi '11 meet you at Casey's in 
half an hour. A id Oi say, McCarthy, bring your trunk along, for 
we may ua le it oefore we get back. We may stay over night, like 
we did rlie last time we went down that way. You remember? 

Mo. Oil, yes. We needed a trunk that time, eh \ 

O^Raff. Yis; and we Haded it full av clothes, too. 

Mo. Yes: you be; we did. Ha! ha! ha! 

O'Raff. Sir.!, all Oi had left was a shirt an' a pants. 

Mo. Ha!na!ua! 

O iivi'V. On, ye-: Oi bad a pair av suspenders. 

Mi. Oh, yU, Oi remember. {Laughs loudly). 

O'Raff. O i, yis, do you remember my coat '( You wore it home, 
an' Oi have .i r seed it since. (O'Raff. exit k. 1 e.) 

Mc. (stop j I Ki'jJiiiKj rather suddenly. Looks after him and ex- 
claims). Well, if Oi don't, you 're the boy that '11 remind me av 
it! L >ok at mat, now, after keeping him in clothes for the last, 
ten years ; but lie s right about the trunk. Sure, we did n't get 
back for a week. But 'what does Oi care? Sure, a man that has 
lots of money do' n't (-are where he spends it. 
{Mitxic, qai.ckdep. fi/iter jl. 1 e. Lawyer Lawsuit. Approaches 

McCarthy ; exclaims). 

Lawyer. Oh, Mr. McCarthy ! you are the gentleman I have 
been looking for. I have been running around here for the la.>t 



CHUMS. 7 

half hour, trying to get a twenty -dollar hill changed. Can you 
oblige me i 

Mo. {aside). Oh, Lord ! where did he get twenty dollars / 
(To Lawyer). Yis, lawyer: Oi think Oi can. (Looks ; exclaims). 
No. Oi 'm sorry, lawyer, Oi in just a dollar an' a half short. 

Lawyer. Oh, never mind the dollar and a half. Keep it. You 
are quite welcome to it. Probably you can do as mw.li for me 
sometime. 

Mo. (handing Kim the money). Well, here you are. 

Lawyer. Oh, thank you. I shall remember the favor. Ta, ta ! 
(Exit, k. 1 e., Lawyer). 

Mo. (looking over money). Now, Oi wonder where he got tha,t 

bill. I 'm sure Oi do n't cure. I 'H Oh, Moses ! that bill is 

had ! Well, now, do 'nt that hate the divil ! (Looks at it). So Oi 

was quite welcome to it, was Oi ? That little dollar and a half did 

lit amount to anything, eli ? No. But that little eighteen dollars 

a id , lialf does. ITe *11 remember the favor — so will Oi. (Looks 

in direction of r. 1 e. ; exclaims). Oh ! o-o-oh ! oh ! ho ! Exit Mc. 

r. 1 e. 

(Raise, Scene on Picnic Ground.) 

Scene II. Picnic Ground in 3. Seats at r. 1 and 2 e. ; swing at 

l of r. f. e. through wood; soda-water stand at l. 2 e. ; soda-water 

bottles on r. of stand; string attached to them, and worked from 

l. 2 e. Ah Sing and Dick are discovered at stand, Dick in very 

flashy style, loud cravat. He exclaims. 

Now, Singey, you want to tend to this business in good 
shape. 

Ah Sing. Alle lighte. Me slap up sode. 

Dick. You do, an' I '11 give you half of de proceeds. 
See ? 

Ah. Alle lighte. Alle same, me want half a jingle. 

Dick. Oh, sure ! sure ! (Exit, l. 3 e., Dick.) 

Dick (outside, exclaims). Look out, dar, Irish ! Do n't 
you go fooling 'roun' me: you heah? Go away; put down dat 
gun ! 



8 CHUMS. 

Report (f a gun outside. Enter, l. 3 b., Dick, running. Exit r. 3 

e. McCarthy's voice outside. 

Hold mi now, O'Rafferty! You '11 hurt some one with that. 
Put it <]<>\vii ! 
Enter, i . 3 *;., O'Rafferty and McCarthy, wearing long hnen 

dusters, pea-jackets and hunting-caps, pants inside their boots; 

ORafferty ' with a gun in his hand, fish in pocket of duster; 

McCarthy a gun, two fishpoles. Mc. exclaims. 

Be careful, O'Rafferty, that 's dangerous. You '11 shoot some- 
thing. 

O'Raff. Oh, no danger! I 've been trying to shoot something 
for the last two days, and have n't succeeded. (Sees Ah Sing.) 
Oh, bejabers ! Oi '11 shoot something now ! (Points the gun at him; 
exclaims). Chinese must go! (Mc. catches hold of the gun; ex- 
claims. 

Look out there, O'Rafferty ! That '11 go off! 

O'Raff. So will the Chinaman. 
(Mc, dropping his gun and fishpole, takes hold of O'Raff.'s 

gun ; exclaims.) 

Now, put it down, O'Rafferty! You 11 hurt some one. 

O'Raff. Oh, just let me slice him once. 

Mc. No, man: 't would be a crime. 

Ah (from behind stand). Damme foole, putte down gun! 

O'Raff. Oi say, McCarthy, let me sliver them bottles. 

Mc. (look's at bottles; laughs; exclaims). Oh, no: sure it would 
n't be right, O'Rafferty. (Lets go of the gun.) I would n't like to 
see you do it (O'Raff. raises the gun.) You might break the bot- 
tles ! (O'Raff. fires; uses string to fall the bottles. Mc. laughs. 
Ah shouts.) 

Oh, helle ! [Gels down under stand. Enter, r. 3 e., Dick. Ah 
jumps up; exclaims.) 

Dicke, alle same damme Ilishman shoote sode ! 
(Dick runs to stand; looks; exclaims.) 

Who done that ? 

Ah. Billy Ilishman. (Points at O'Raff.) 
(Dick crosses to O'Raff; exclaim.*.) 

Say, Irish, do you know what you are doing? 

O'Raff. No : do you ? 

Dick. That 's what, I do ! An' 1 want you to distinctly uii'ei'- 
stan' that L 'in a running that stand. 
(Walks over to stand. O'Raff. to Mc.) 

Say, hould this trim. 



CHUMS. 9 

(Mc. takes gun; puts gun and fishpole outside. O'Raff. puts his 
hand on the fish; advances to Dick; exclaims.) 

So you run this place, do you ( 

Dick. That 's what I do. I want you to understand it, an' 
do n't you forget it ! 

O'Raff. Oh, I wo' n't forget it. 

(Mc, crossing over hehind them, exclaims.) 

Sixteen-foot ring. Mayor of Squedunck rules. There 's goi.ig 
to be a tight. (Sticks his head in between them, ; listens.) 

O'Raff. Say, how do you run it ? On wheels ? 
(Dick sees the fish; exclaims.) 

\ run you on wheels in about a minute ! 

O'Raff. Oh, ho ! Will you ? (Strikes at him with fish ; 
Dick steps back. Mc, who has been looking in between them, 
receives the blow in the face ; he staggers back ; falls: O'Raff. 
exclaims.) 

Oh, murther ! (Stoops over Mc. Dick runs behind stand; 
exclaims.) 

This is very exciting ! (Pulls up long black bottle; pours out 
a drink. Ah comes out ; picks up fish ; exclaims.) 

Alle same cooke slap bang for dinner! (Sticks it inside his 
blouse ; O'Raff. helps Mc. over into the siving.) 

Dick. Sir.gy, come here. 'Tend to business, I "m going 
<>ut for a stroll. 1 'm excited. (Starts ; stops: points at O'Raff., 
who is rubbing Mc.'s head in an affectionate manner: exclaims to 
Ah.) 

Oh, aint dey sweet! 
(O'Raff. kisses Mc on the lips : Dick yells.) 

Oh, what a stomach he must have ! (Exit l. 3 e.) 

Ah. Melican man damme foole ! Me bely much excitee. (Takes 
out black bottle : pours out a drink.) 

O'Raff. McCarthy, you look bad. Yon must be in a delicate 
condition. Come, have a drink ! 

(M. v. jumps oid of the swing: O'Raff. looks at him : exclaims 

aside.) 

Oh Lord ! just mention a drink, and he seems to have as much 
life as ten men. 

(Cross to stand. O'Raff. exclaims.) 

Give us something stout. 

(Ah hands out a stick.) 

O'Raff Put that back and give us something to drink. 



1° CHUMS. 

( Ah sets up bottle and glasses. They Jill and drink.) 

Mc. That 's good. Lot 's have another. 
(They Jill and drink.) 

Ah. Melioaii man get excitee soone quick. 

O'Raff. Take soine more: 't will do yon good. 
{They Jill and drink. Mc. acts as thovgh getting drunk; rubs his 

head; exclaims.) 

Once more ! 
{ Fhey Jill and drink. Mc, leaning against stand, exclaims, while 

rubbing his head.) 

Sav, O'Raffertv, that was n't right. 

O'Raff. What? 

Mc. Striking me with that fish. 

O'Raff. Why, McCarthy, that was an accident. 

Mc. No: it was not. Do n't yon suppose Oi know what it 
was? Did n't Oi feel it? — all soft,' just like a fish. Oi know it 
was a fi>h. . 

O'Raff. Oi mean that Oi could n't help it. 

Mc. Well, Oi know that; but what did you do it for? 

O'Raff. Oi could n't help it. 

Mc. Oi axed you what did you r\o it for? 

O'Raff. (mad). Oi tonld yon Oi could n't help it ! 

Mc. (disgusted). Ah, you lie ! Crosses over ; sits in siving.) 

O'Raff. (to Ah). Now, what do you think of that man ? 

Ah Fifty cent, five whiskey. 

O Raff. You 're welcome to your opinion. (Pays him.) 

Ah. Bely muche excite! Take in some money. (Drinks from 
black bottle.) 
(O'Raff. staggers up behind swing ; folds his arms ; looks at Mc.) 

Mc-. Oi say, O'Rafferty, will you swing me? 

O'Raff. Divil a swing! You 're too drunk to swing. At 
least, you '11 get no help from me! 

Mc. Faith, you '11 swing some day, and you wo' n't he short of 
help, aither. 

O Raff. Yis : that 's according to your opinion. 

Mc. \ is : an' according to my opinion, you '11 be almighty 
short of Wreath ! 

O Raff. Oh, Oi will! Oi '11 give you all the swing you want 
for that! {Takes hold of rope attached to swing; stands at l ; 
pulls.) 

Mc. Steady, now, O'Rafferty, me bye, steady ! (O'Raff. jerks 
swing.) Hold! Oi 'm falling ! You hear ? 

Raff. Oh, ho! you bet Oi 'in here! Whoop, you divil. yon ! 
Whoop her up ! 

(He swing* Mc ; sends fed back and forth in front of r. f. k 
throng!) wood. Mc. yells.) 



CHDMS. 11 

Lawyer (outside). Right this way, ladies! Right this way! 

We shall have a delightful time. Oh, yes ! we 

Enter r. f. k. through wood Lawyer Lawsuit. Mc.V feet strike 

him on the shoulder. Lawyer falls. Hans, who is entering^ 

falls over him. The girls scream. 

Mc. Bejabers, it 's the lawyer ! 

(O'Raff. jerks swing. Mc. falls out; shouts.) 

Oh, inurther! Oi 'm kilt! 

(Lawyer gets up ; exclaims.) 

What does this mean ? 

Hans {gets icp). Ya ! Vat der tyfiil ish der matter '. 

O'Raff. Excuse yourself. You 're drunk ! 

Law. Ladies, I am sorry for bringing you into such low 
company. But come sit down. 

(They advance to seats at r. 1 and 2 e.) 

Hans (looking at place where he fell). Ya ! Ladies-. 1 vas weiy 
sorry for falling so low myself. 

(They sit down. Law. and Sophia at r 1. e. Hans and Maria 

r. 2 E.) 

O'Raff. (to Mc). Come, get up and brush off. Do n't you see 
the girls ? 

(Enter r. f. e. Dick , advances to soda-stand.) 

Mc. (to Dick). Come here, nagur, and brush me off. 

Dick. You mean me ? 

Mc. Yis. 

Dick. You ought to know better than to ask me to do such a 
thing. Singy, brush off the gentleman's coat. 

Ah. No blushe. Me sicke. 

Dick. Give me de broom. 

(Ah hands the brush to him; he brushes ; exclaim*.) 

Half a dollar, boss. 

(Mc. pays him. O'Raff. arranges his collar.) 

Law. (very polite). My colored friend 

Dick (very lough to Ah). Yon hear dat, Singy ? You hear de 
way <ie duffer is playing on his harp? He wo' n't give me a cent. 
Jiiot watch me now, while 1 show you de tricks of de trade. 
file crosses ; Law. stands up ; exclaims.) 

Be so kind as to brush my coat. 

Dick. Yes, sah. 

Ah. Dicke makee muche money. Me tly. (Orestes to Sophia; 
e claims.) Blushe offe ? 

Soph. No. 

Ah. No wante blushe ? 

Soph. No! 

Ah. Awfe dirty, likee shirt. 

Soph. Oh, you horrid man ! 



1-J 



CHUMS. 



Law. What *s the matter % 

Soph. He insulted me! 

Law. Who ? Where is he ? Show him to me. Why, I '11 kill 
him ! 

iS;-ph. points at Ah. Law. starts for him ; shouts.) 

What, \ <in heathen ! 
(Ah runs behind O'Raff. Law. follows. O'Raff. raises his 

ha nd ; exclaims . ) 

G i i>n "i- Oi *11 break your jaw. 

(Law. looks at him ; returns to Soph. ; exclaims.) 

O'Rafferty interceded for him; so, of course, I had to let him go. 

Soph. Oh, very well ! {She sits down.) 

(Law. hairs. Dick slaps him on the shoulder ; exclaims.) 

Say. boss, a half a dollar. 

Law. Oh, yes! Why, how very forgetful I am! But a — call 
around at my office to-morrow. 

Dick. Half a dollar. 

Law. I said call at my office to-morrow. 

Dick. I said half a dollar now ! 

Law. Oh, do n't bother me how! I must devote myself and 
my time to this young lady. 

Dick. Say, boss, if you do n't give me dat half-dollar, I '11 de- 
vote just about fifteen minutes of myself and my time to you. 

Law. Well, ah, but — Oh, here 's your money {Aside). But 
I must make it up some way. Oh, I' 11 try McCarthy ! {To Soph.) 
Excuse me, please. 

Soph. Certainly. 

(Law. crosses to Me. ; exclaims.) 

Mr. McCarthy, was you aware that you had dislocated my shoul- 
der bone '. 

Mc. Oh, git away from here, or Oi '11 dislocate your jaw ! 
Wo* n't we, O'Rafferty ? 

O'Raff. Yis: we '11 break your nose. 

Law. Gentlemen, I am nor joking. You have caused me seri- 
ous damage ; and unless you settle, I shall sue ! 

Mc. Oh, you will! Well, would you mind making out a few 
charges for me ? 

Law. Oh, not at all ! I hope that such a trifle as my having 
you arrested will not interfere with our friendly business relations. 

Mc. Oh, no : divil a bit ! {Aside.) Oh, ho ! The cheek that 
the baste has got ! 

Law. Very well, Mr. McCarthy. State your case ! 

Mc. Well, you see there was a gentleman who stopped me on 
the street about two days ago an' axed me could Oi change a twen- 
ty-dollar bill. So Oi tould him to be course Oi could. So Oi gives 
him the change, all but a dollar and a half. (Law. starts.) And 



CHUMS. 13 

whin he was gone, Oi diskivered that the bill was bad. Now, what 
Oi want you to do is this: find that man and prosecnte him to 

Law. Ah, Mr. McCarthy, my shoulder is better, much better, 
indeed ! 

Mc. Oh, is it, now? Well, that's quare, very quare indeed! 
But by the way, who is that lady you have over there ? 

Law. Ah, well, it do n't make any difference to you. [Ad- 
vances to Soph.) 

Mc. (calls.) Lawyer ! 

Law. Well, what do you want now? {Advances to Mc.) 

Mc. Lawyer, Oi must be introjuced to that young lady. 

Law. My dear sir, that is impossible — quite impossible! 

Mc. Lawyer, how is your shoulder? 

Law. Well, as you are an old friend of mine, I believe I shall 
have to introduce you. Come ! 

(Cross to Soph. Law. exclaims ) 

Miss Sophia, allow me to introduce an old friend of mine — a 
very old friend. Miss Sophia, Mr. McCarthy. ~Mr. McCarthy, 
Miss Sophia. 

(They bow ; Mc. very polite.) 

Mc. Well, lawyer, as Oi 've no further use for you, you may 

Law. But 1 object. I object 

Mc. How is your shoulder f 

Law. Well, I '11 be hanged ! (He crosses to l.) 

O'Raff. No- doubt. But Oi say, lawyer, my name is O Ka-ffer- 
ty. Oi want an introduction. 

Law. Bah ! (Exit l. 3 e.) 

O'Raff. Phat the divil ails him? McCarthy axed him how 
was his ir-houlder, an' he up an' went loike the divil. Theie 's 
something in that. (Looks at Hans and Maria ; exclaims icith a 
wink.) Oi '11 try it ! [He arranges collar.) 

(Dick and Ah help themselves from black bottle. Mc. and Soph. 
talking very earnestly. Dick shouts.) 

Yar 's where yer git yer soder! 

Ah. Alle samee hot sode watee ! 

(O'Raff. advances to Hans and Maria ; exclaims.) 

How does yez do, miss ? 

Mar. Very well. 

O'Raff. It 's a foine day. {Tries to squeeze in between them.) 

Mar. Very. 

Hans. Vat de tyful do you vant, Irish ? (Pushes him away.) 
(O'Raff. goes to other side ofM.AR. ; exclaims.) 

Would you loike some oicc crame, or a mouthful of slippery elm ? 

H<vNn. Say, Irish, vat you vant around here? (Gets up.) 



u 



CHUMS. 



() Raff, (bracing himself up in front of him). How is yonr 
shoulder ? 

Hans. G-oot. {Hits him.) 
(O'Raff. falls; jumps up; clinches him. They fall, Hans on top ) 
Mc. Oh, iiiurtlier ! O'Kafferty, at it again ! 
O'Raff. {shouts). Oh, take him off! Take him off! 
(Enter, r. 3 e., the Copper McGraw; starts fur O'Raff. and 
Hans; exclaims.) 
Here! what in blazes are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! 
(Catches O'Raff. by the hair, Hans by the collar ; pulls them up.) 
O'Raff. Here ! let go av me! Oi '11 break your jaw ! 
Cop. Oh, it 's me jaw you '11 break, is it ? Give me another 
yard av your lip, a h* I '11 pull you in ! 
Hans. Yh\ Pull de Irishman in. 

Cop. {to Hans). Shut up, yez Omadhaun ! Do n't yez be tell- 
ing me me business. 

Mc. iin a very important manner). Let yez all hold on. Oi 'm 
(pointing to himself) the man. Just let me talk to the gentleman. 
( To Cop.) Now, just hold on, me good maa, let you an' me (points 
to himself.) try an' settle this. 

Cop. G' on, you old snake thafe ! Do n't you suppose Oi 
know you ? Why, you 're only three days out of jail. Oh, Oi *m 
too fly f >r you. Oi 'in on to the whole av yez, Oi am! {Sudden- 
ly.) Oi 11 pull 'em in now, anyway! Come along here! (He 
palls them along. Exit, l. 3 e., Cop., O'Raff. and Hans.) 
Soph. Why. what does this mean? 
Mc. Divil a know Oi know! 

Mar. Why .lid he arrest thar dear little man ? I did n't care 
for the other. 

Mc. My dear young lady, do n't worry. He Ml be back here in 
two minutes without a stitch on his back.' 
Both girls. Oh, yen horrid man! 

Mc. Excuse me, ladies. I mean — that is, his clothes will fit him 
a little scarce, when he comes back. Why, that man was never 
arrested ! He will slip right out of his shirt'! 
Both girls. Oh, gracious ! 
Mc. Oh, it \s a fact! 
Soph. But he called you a sneak thief? 
Mc. And do you think that Oi 'm a sneak thafe? 
Soph. Oh, no ! no! 

Mc. Why, av course not, He 's got a grudge agin me. Oi 
'11 tell yon all about it. We '11 sit down. 

(They advance to seats at r. Mc. stops ; exclaims.) 
Oh, but would n't yon like some soda water? 
Both girls. Oh, no; thanks! 
Mc. Well, just excuse me 'ril Oi quench me thirst wid a little 



CHUMS. 15 

soda. 

Soph. Oh, certainly ! 

Soph, sits down in seat at r. Mar. advances to c. ; stands; looks 
in direction of l. 3 e. Mc. advances to soda-stand ; exclaims 
aside to Ah. 

Give me a glass of soda Mack — a little whiskey. 
(Ah hands out black bottle and glasses. Dick staggers ovt to Mar. ; 

exclaims.) 
Shay, Miss, how yon like ze picnic? How yon enjoy yourself? 
Mc. Say, nagur, yon attend to your own business. (!) rial's.) 
Dick. No, shir : I do n't 'tend to my business (hie). I hires Singy 
to run mv business. Shentlemen never work. 

Ah. Me rnakee mashe alle samee likee Dick. (Conies out from, 
behind stand ; advances to Soph. ; exclaims with, a bow.) How he ? 
Me likee Melican girl — me lovee Melican girl likee devil! So 
mnche ! [Throws oat his arms. Mc. comes over to Ah ; exclaims.) 
See here, yon git! (Strikes at him. Ah dodges ; runs back. 
Dick (to Mar.). Shay, miss, you ought to see me climb she grease 
pole. Ha! ha! ha! (Laughs.) 

(Mc. takes Mm by the collar ; throws him back ; exclaims.) 
Go on, now, or Oi '11 lay you in your grave! 

Ah (to Soph.). Nicee girl, vvante some sodee ? (Very earnest- 
ly). Me give black sode. 
(Mc. catches him : throws him back against the stand ; exclaims.) 
There, you almond-eyed son of a mandarin, if you attempt to 
move them woodpiles av yours, (Points to his feet.), Oi '11 kill you ! 
(Mc. strvts about; exclaims). Oh, no: maybe Oi aint the stuff ! 
Maybe Oi can 't kill nagurs ! 

(Dick runs behind the stand; pulls out bottle; exclaims.) 
Tli is is bery exciting ! (Drinks. Ah runs up; snatches bottle; 
puts it to his lips; drinks. Dick pulls his hand down: exclaims.) 
What do you mean ? 

Ah. Me hely much exeitee! (J?aises it up: drinks. Dick 
i-natches it away from him : takes a drink: sets it down. Enter 
l. 3 k. Law., very excited.) 

Mc. What 's the matter, Lawyer. 

Law. O'Kafferty got in a light with the copper. 

Mc. Did he get away ? 

Law. Well— part of him did. 



lti CHUMS. 

(Law. advances to stand ; gets a drink. Enter, l. 2 e., O'Raff.. 

duster torn all the way up the back ;stands in the swing.) 

Mo. {standing up). What 's the matter, O'Rafferty ? 

O'Raff. Oil, just a backache! Where 's your trunk? 

Mc. Oi lift it at Hie dapoo. Sure, we did n't nade it at all! 

O'Raff. Oh, we did n't! Well, Oi nade it. 

Mc. What *s the matter i 

Dick. He wants to hide hisself. 

O Raff. Shut up or Oi '11 step on your physog for you. 

Soph, [t'j Mc.) What is he standing there for? 

Mc. Yes: cone in here, O'Rafferty; do n't he bashful. 

Dick. Oil. he aint! His overalls is leaking. 

Ah. A lie samee, Lilly girl see him suspender! Him shirte no 
was lie ! 

O'Raff. Oh, ho, you baste! [Advances to Mar.; exclaims). 
Excuse me, miss, but Oi had to assist the officer in arresting the 
Dutchman. (The;/ sit down.) 

Mc. (to Soph.) Oi hope you '11 excuse me, miss. 

Soph. ( >h, certainly ! 

Mc. An' now, when you go back to the city, do n't fail to call 
at my summer residence. 

Soph. Thank you. 

(Mc. crosses to Law. ; exclaims.) 

Well, lawyer, you can attend to that young lady now. 

Law. Oh, I can! (Crosses to Soph.; exclaims.) I hope you 
will excuse me, miss, but I had some very important business to at- 
tend to. 

Soph. Oh. certainly ! 
{They sit down. Enter, l. 3 k., Hans, pretty well torn up; advances 
to O'Raff. ; exclaims.) 

Sav, Irish, I vant to sav something. 

O'Raff. Well, say it.' 

Hans. Vat you take my girl for, and get me arrested ? 

Mc. Tney '11 be another tight in just about a minute ! 

O Raff. G' on, or Oi 11 step on your neck ! 

Hans. Veil, you shust get up here! (Catches O'Raff. by the 
collar. He jumps up. They clinch and fall. Enter, b. 3 e., Cop. ; 
rushes on; c itches them; pulls them up; exclaims.) 

You 're at it once, you 're at it twice! Oi '11 fix you this trip! 
{Handcuffs them together.) Oi '11 stop this racket that 's going on 
around here ! (He leaves them ; advances to stand. Dick crosses to 
O'Raff. ; folds his arms ; looks at him.) 

Cop. (to Ah). Where 's your "license? 

Ah. No wante licy, only sell a sode. 

Cop. Oi '11 see about that! (Goes behind stand ; finds black 
bottle : exclaims.) 



CHTJMS. 17 

What 's that '( 

Ah. Him sodee. 
Cop. G' on. (Raises his club, then the bottle ; drinks. Ah runs 
to Dick / yells.) 

Dicke, p'liceman steal bottle! Excitee! 
(Cop. advances to a, holding up bottle ; lays hand on Dick ; exclaims.) 

I arrest yon for selling without a license. 

Dick. No, yon do n't! You must n't think you can arrest the 
whole town. {Rushes into the Cop. ; they fall. The girls sc ream ; 
run to c. f. O'Raff. starts for the Cop., dragging Hans, tc ho falls. 
Law. starts across the stage to Soph. ; exelaims.) 

Sophia, do n't you rnn away from me. [He falls over Hans. 
Ah jumps on top of soda-sta?id. Mc. stands on the seat at r. 2 e. ; 
shouts.) 

Go for him, O'Rafferty ! {Claps his hands.) 

(Drop curtain on First Act.) 



18 CHUMS. 



Act IL, Scene 1. — Depot in 3. In seats at r. 1 and 2 e., Lawyer 

and Sophia, Hans and Maria. Trunk standing on end at l. 2 e. 

Ah Sing sitting on top of it, asleep. Dick sitting on another trunk 

at l. 1 e. Ticket Office ate. f. ; door in r. f. Copper walking back 

and forth across stage. McCarthy's trunk at r. 3 e. 

Hans [to Mar.). Ya ! dot Irishman he make all dot trouble! 

Law. (to Soph.). Yes. You see we have considerable influence 
with the officers of the law. Of course, if I had not interceded for 
O'Rafferfy and the Dutchman, they would have been lodged in jail. 
Yes, a lawyer must be a mail of great capacity. Tie, in fact, create, 
command, enforce, figure up, our bills, and the people pay. 
(Soph, nods in assent. Dick and Ah snore loudly. Cop. taps Dick 
on the head with his club ; exclaims!) 

Stop that fog horn ! 
(Dick wakes up. Enter, r. d. f.. Baggageman Jim, lantern in hand.) 

Cop {to Jim.) What time does that next train pull in ? 

Jim. 9:45. (Eiders ticket office. Exit, l. 1 e., Cop.) 
{Enter, k. o. f., McCarthy and O'Rafferty in stylish dress ; both 

drunk.) 

Me. Here we are, O'Raff erty, an 1 Oi 'in a going to shave this 
dapoo. 

OR afk. Oi say, McCarthy, you had better kape still. 

Mc. You had better kape still yourself ; for you know you 're 
drunk. 

Jim [through ticket windoio). Here, you fellows, keep still ! Stop 
that noL-e ! 

0"Raff. We "11 kape still when we kape still, and do n't you 
forget it ! 

(Jim co in es out of ticket office; exit l. 3 e., leaving lantern on the 
window. O'Raff. takes lamp; staggers over to Hans; exclaims.) 

Tickets! (Advances to Law.; exclaims.) Next station is [local]. 
(Crosse*- to 1)ck; exclaims.) Change cars for Africa! (Sucp* 
Dick across the face. He wakes up.) 

(Enter, l. 3 e., Jim; exclaims to O'Raff.) 

Now, you behave yourself — give me that light! 

O'Raff. The light or the lamp? 

Jim. Give me that! (Takes lamp ; crosses to Mc.'s trunk; at- 



CHUMS. 



19 



Indies cheek ; comes hack to o. ; pulls out watch. O'Raff. exclaims.) 

Are you the baggageman here? 

Jim. Yes. 

O'Raff. Who does that trunk belong to ? 

Jim. Michael McCarthy. 

O'Raff. Well, my name is O'Rafferty. 

Jim. Well, what do you suppose I care ? 

O'Raff. Oi do n't suppose you do care. But Oi want you to 
understand that Oi have an interest in that trunk. 

Mc. He lies! He 's only got an old vest in it that he spoiled 
at the picnic ! 

(Jim laughs ; exit r. d. f.) 

O'Raff. Yes, an' Oi have a foine coat in it, too ; and do n't you 
forget it ! 

Dick. Will you give it to me, mister ? 

O'Raff. Yes : if you 're a good little b'y, Oi 11 give it to you. 
McCarthy, will you open that crunk ? 

Dick. Oh, I 'm a good little boy, I am ! Yes, sir. 

O'Raff. McCarthy, will yon open that trunk ? 

Mc. No: Oi wo' n't! 

O'Raff. An' why? 

Mc. Because Oi do n't want to see you give away the last stitch 
y«>u "vu got. You have n't got a dacint suit av clothes ! 

O'Raff. Oi "ve more suits than you have! 

Mc. Yis : lawsuits with your neighbors ! 

O'Raff. {loudly). Will you open that trunk? 

Mc. Oh, Oi might as well. (Opens the trunk / throws coat on 
fie floor ; leaves trunk open.) 

O'Raff. Faith! you throw that around as if it was no good! 
(Picks it up.) 

Mc. Well, itamt! {Sits on trunk.) 

O'Raff. It 's as good as yours! 

Mc. Yes : there 's more life in it ! 

O'Raff. (to Dick). Come here, me b'y, and try it on. (Dick 
fairs the coat.) 

Mc. Put some rat pizen on it, me b'y, and then it wo' n't run 
a \ ay from you. 

O'Raff. Say, you long-winded son av a jay bird, if you do n't 
shut up, Oi '11 stuff it down your throat! 

Mo. Do n't you call me a jail bird ! There 's no feathers on 
me ! 

Dick. Say, boss, dis coat am all holes ! 



20 



CHUMS. 



O'Raff. Well, me b'y., divil a hole was in that coat whin Oi 
put. it in that trunk. 

Mc. {darting up). Do you mane to say there 's any animile life 
in that trunk ? ( Walks over to O'Raff.) 

(Law. arises. To Soph.). Excuse me, my dear, but I just hap- 
pened to think rif a little bill I owe McCarthy; and while I think 
of it, I guecs I had better pay him. It 's only a hundred or so. 
(Soph, nods, smiles. Law. advances to O'Raff. and; Mc. exclaims.) 

I hope von will excuse me, gentlemen ; but in your conversation, 
1 believe you mentioned a lawsuit. Can I be of any service? 

O'Raff. Well, you might, if you have the necessary ability. 

Law. Ah, believe me, my friend, I never fail. State your 
case, sir. 

O'Raff. Oh, it 's wid the railroads. Dang 'em all ! Oi think 
Oi '11 take all my interest out av them ! Sure, Oi do n't make over 
seventy thousand a year at the best. It 's more bother than it 's 
worth ! 



Mc. Oh, what a steer! (Kicks the trunk; it falls ; An falls 
off. Mc. sits down on the trunk.) 

Ah. Smarte! smarte ! (Sits doivn with Dick.) 

O'Raff. Stop your noise ! (To Law.). You see last year Oi 
was one of the directors ; and betwixt the whole av them, they man- 
aged to swindle me out av two million dollars. 
(Mc, shaking, exclaims.) 

O'Rafferty, have mercy on me ! 

Law. Bah ! ( Turns away.) 

O'Raff. {indignant.) Oh, ho! Well, if that 's too big for you, 
Oi '11 give you something smaller. {To Law.) Come here. (Calls 
him over ; looks at Mc. ; exclaims.) Oi '11 change your tune for 
you. 

Law. Well, what is it ? — a little sense this time, I hope. 

O'Raff. Yes : dollars, if you are smart enough to make 'em. 

Law. That 's my name. Spit it out. 

O'Raff. [points to Mc). He 's in trouble. 

Law. Who < McCarthy ? 

O'Raff. Yis. 

Law. (t does n't seem to have much effect on him. 

O'Raff . Oh, me friend, he 's trying to hide it under the watery 
veil of beer and whiskey. 

Law. Well, well! Go ahead. Give me the history of it. 

O'Raff. That 's what I 'm doing. 

Law. What? 

O'Raff. Giving you his story av it. (Points to Mc.) 

Law. My friend, if you have anything to tell me me that Mill put 
an honest penny in my pocket, please do it. But do n't throw anv 
more historical puns at me. Now, then, what \s the trouble ? 






CHUMS. 21 

O'Raff. Oh, it "b with his woiie ! Poor divil! 
Law. is that so ? 

O'Raff. Yis : they do n't get along at all. He Bays that she is 
breaking his heart a:id she says that he is breaking her hack. And 
now he 's looking for a divorce; hut between you an' Oj and the 
other party, Oi think that lie 's to blame for the whole, business. 
Of course, Oi had nothing to do wid it — only as far as sociability 
was concerned. There was only one time that he managed to catch 
— I — I — mane — that is — - that Oi was in company with the lady, 
and that one tine summer's evening, she stopped in at the house to 
see me woife. You know me woiie and her are relations — distant. 
That is, me woife was related to the King av Ulster; an' the King 
of Ulster happened to pass through Mrs. McCarthy's mother's back 
yard the day that Mrs. McCarthy Dewyer was born. So, of course, 
ine woife and her were always sociable. Well, anyway, about nine 
o'clock, she started to go home, an' me woife — well, she started me 
along wid her, as she had a purty lonely walk, an', of course, as 
long as Oi was wid her, she knew that no harm would come to her. 
Well, as we were nearingMr. McCarthy's polashial residence, he spied 
her out av the kitchen windy, and his soul was filled wid jealousy 
and ra<r;e; and whin the poor woman got inside the door, the first 
welcome she received was the bootjack, next he presented her with 
a chair, and the next thing he got a hold av was the kitchen ; and 
whin the poor woman saw that, for fear av her life she started out ; 
and she 's been at my house ever since. 

(O'Raff. clasps his hands ; rolls his eyes.) 

Oh, it 's horrible! 

Law. Oh, it must be! But it 's a rather delicate subject. 

O'Raff. Oh, she 'd been worse, if she 'd stayed there! 

Law. I do n't know how to approach him on that subject. 

O'Raff. Why, walk, av course. 

Law. Oh, I mean in regard to his trouble. 

O'Raff. Well, now Oi '11 tell you. You must sympathize with 
him — tell him how sorry you are for his trouble and that the hate- 
ing av his woife was something that almost any man would do under 
like circumstances. An' even if his woife is stopping under O'Raff- 
erty's roof, he niibt n't mind it for a while. 

Law. . Oh, that gives me an idea ! I have it now ! 

O'Raff. {add.e). Faith, if you aint got it now, you will have it 
soon ! 
(O'Raff. sits on the edge of Mc.'s trunk, winking and smiling at 

Mar. Hans looks very mad. Enter r. d. f., Cop. ; stuu/s behind 

O'Raff. ; watches him.. Law. approaches Mc. ; exclaim?.) 

Mr. McCarthy, I wish to sneak with you. Of «v>u'r e von kno»v 
me and know that my profession is that of a lawyer. 

Mc. Oil, you 're a lawyer, are you ? Then be very brief. 



Law. I wish to assist you, 1 sympathize with you in all your 
troubles, and 1 wish to aid and help you through them. Of course 
we all know that it 's a rather deplorable and continual occurrence — 
this family fighting; an' in my belief an' opinion — which I give 
you honestly and candidly — I think that the only remedy is full and 
final separation. (Mc. looks at him.) So, if you feel like placing 
your troubles in my hands and trusting to my ability, T will guaran- 
tee to procure a bill of divorce for you, an' if necessary, prosecute 
your wife to the full extent of the law. 

(Mc. stands up ; looks at him ; exclaims aside.) 
Oh, Lord, prosecute me woife ! Listen! 

Law. [continuing). An' as far as her stopping at O'Rafferty's is 
concerned, — ha! ha! why, I would n't give it a thought! It 's an 
advantage to you in two ways: First is, while she' stops there, you 
wo' n't be at the expense of supporting her. Secondly, it furnishes 
you with the moat valuable evidence for your divorce. Do n't you 
see ? 

(Mc. hits him ; he falls. O'Raff. gives a start ; shouts.) 
He *s got it now ! (Falls hack in the trunk. Cop. starts for Mc. 
They all follow except Hans, who kicks and punches at O'Raff. in 
the trunk. Mc. to Law., who is yet on the floor.) 

Tell me Oi lick me woife, will ye? Oi '11 bate the divil out av 
y< hi ! 

Cop. What the divil are you doing ? 
Mc. He 's slandering my character ! 
Law. Well, O'Rafferty said so. 

( They all turn ; look at O'Raff. Cop. shouts to Hans.) 
Plere, yon lager-loving son av a Dutchman, what are you doing ? 
(Runs <>rer.) 

O'Raff. Oh, take me out av the trunk ! 
(Cop. pulls him out. Law. gets up. O'Raff. walks over to ticket 
office ; leans against it and laughs ; looks at Law. ; exclaims.) 
What did you get that time — a historical pun, or a hysterical 
punch \ Oh, Moses ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

{lie slides down on l. side of ticket office ; laughs. Enter r. t>. f., 

Jim ; shouts.) 
Train going west! 
{Eider ticket office. Bell rings in imitation of locomotive. They 
rush for ticket office. Cop. stands in window ; exclaims to Mc, 
who is pushing the others.) 

One at a time, you big Irishman! Ladies first! 
(Soph, and Mar. advauce to box. Cop. salutes them ; places one 
hand on Soph.'s head, the other on his brrfust ; throws her he id 
hack ; kisses her. She exclaims.) 
Oh, you naughty man! 



CHUMS. 23 

Cop. Oli, divil a bit. {With a flourish.) None but the brave 
deserve the fair. 

(They get their tickets; pass out. Mar., on passing the Cop., ex- 
claims.) 
Oh, you horrid beast/ {Exit, r. d. f., with Soph. Cop. exclaims?) 
Go on ! Oi would n't kiss you, if your tongue hung out a mile. 
{They all get their tickets and exit, r. d. f. Cop. follows, swinging 
his club and humming, "I'm a Dandy, but I'm No Dade" Jrsi 
conies out of ticket office ; looks around; exclaims.) 
All gone, and ho more trains for an hour. Now, if Jake will only 
be on rime! He promised to coine live minutes after this train left 
the depot ! If I could open that safe without any help, I would get 
rive thousand instead of half that. Well, 1 reckon that if the pay- 
master knew what was a-going to happen to-night, when he put that 
niMiev there this morning — well, I do n't think that I 'd iret anv 
of It. 

{Noise at r. n. f. Jim opens it. Enter Jakk with satchel.) 
Jim. Yku are just in time. Not a soul around ! 
Jake. Good ! Then let me get at it. 

Jim. Right this way ! {Leads him into ticket office. ORaff. 
gets up ; rubs his eyes ; exclaims.) 

Where — where — where the divil am Oi i Oh, Moses ! Oi remem- 
ber. Oi fell asleep, and thev We all gone off an 1 took the train with 
'em! 

(Jim and Jake come out of office. Jake exclaims.) 
Here you are, extracted without pain. 

Jim. Just two thousand five hundred, Jake. That 's what I 
want, a square half. 

Jake. Well, here you are. {Hands him the money.) 
O'Raff. How the divil am Oi going to get home ? 
Jim. What 'a that ? 

Jake. I heard somebody. I 'll swear to it! 
(Jim motions him to be silent ; looks around box ; sees O'Raff ; 
starts ; beckons for Jake to come. They creep up behind O'Raff.) 

O'Raff. Oh, Oi 'm in a divil av a muss ! Now, how will Oi 

(They catch him. O'Raff. yells.) Oh, murther ! (Falls on his 
knees.) Oh! Oh! Oh! 

Jim. Get up here ! What do you mean by spying around here? 
O'Raff. (looks). Oh, is it you? Oh, ho! Bless your heart! 
Whin does the next train go ? 
Jim. Oh, that story wo' n't do! 

Jake. No: you bet it wo' n"t do. This will do. {Pulls out 
knife.) 

Jim. No: none of that. The job aint worth it. 



24 



CHUMS. 



Jake. What will you do ? 

Jim. I have it. 

Jake. Whac ? 

Jim. Lock him in that trunk, an' the next train will take him up 
to the city, an' by that time we will be miles away. 

O'Raff. Oh, say, Oi 'd rather walk up ! Oi want exercise. 

Jakf. Well, just as you say. But do it quick ! 

{They take hold of kim ; drag him over to trunk. He shouts.) 

Here, what are you going to do ? Oi have n't done nothing. Let 
me go ! You hear ? {He kicks. They throw him in ; lock the trunk. 
Exit, k. d. f., Jim and Jake.) 

O'Raff. Oh, Moses! Oi m kilt ! Oh! oh! oh, Lord ! is there 
no way out of this ? Oh, if Oi could only get me feet out, me hands 
out, or anything out! Oh! {Kicks foot out.) Oh! There you go ! 
That's one. Now, again! (Kicks.) Oh, my corns ! Oh! {Foot 
out.) There you be! Oh, Oi might as well stop. All Oi can do 
is wait for the train. Oh, McCarthy, why did you ever get an iron- 
hound trunk ? Well, Oi '11 be bound. 

(Bell rings ; noise in Imitation of locomotive. Enter, u. d. f., Train- 
man ; sees trunk ; catches hold of It ; exclaims.) 

Is this all, Jim ? (Looks at ticket office ; exclaims.) Must be 
asleep. 
(Exit, k. d. f., Trainman with trunk. Bell rings. A voice outside.) 

All aboard! 

(Train starts.) 

{Drop curtain on Second Act.) 



CHUMS. 25 



Act III., Scene 1. — Hotel office in 3. with r. d. f. ; office desk at 

l. 3 e. ; two chai?'s at r. 2 e. ; two at l. 2 e. McCarthy discov- 
ered in chair at r. 2 e. Landlord behind desk. Lawyer leaning 

on desk. 

Law. Did you lose your trunk, McCarthy ? 

Mc. Yis , Oi lost me trunk, McCarthy. • 

Law. Was there anything in it ? 

Mc. None av your husiness ! 

Landlord. Never mind: it will be up {Looks at his -watch.) on 
the next train. It 's due in five minutes. 

Law. I wonder if that friend of yours will lie up on this next 
truin. 

Mc. Do you want another case ? 

Law. Well, McCarthy, I should think that you would feel the 
loss of your trunk far more than the loss of your friend. You 
do n't need any sympathy, as far as his absence is concerned. 

Mc. Oh, Oid'o n't! 

Law. No. I do n't believe it would cause a very great sensation, 
if he never returned. 

Mc. Oh, indeed ! Well, it might not, as far as the public is 
concerned; but as far as Michael McCarthy is concerned, you can 
bet that Mrs. O'Rafferty would make it mighty sensational for him. 
And you can bet that Oi, Michael McCarthy, do n't relish any 
thought of Mrs. O'Rafferty in that capacity. 
(Law. jumps up; shouts.) 

Ah! 

(Mc. and Land, start. Mc. exclaims.) 

What the divil ails him? 

Land. He anticipates a drink. 
(Law lays his hat on the desk ; puts his hand up to his head ; ex- 
claims.) 

Gentlemen, breathe ye not a word. My brain is working. 

Mc. Is that it? Then it must have given you a great surprise. 
(Law.' 's fingers commence to work on his head. Noise in Imitation 
of telegraph instrument, very loud.) 

Land. What in the devil 

Mc. No: it 's in the lawyer. 



26 



CHUMS. 



( Law. pulls out slip of paper ; writes with one hand ; ivories the 
other on his head. Sudden sound, rather sharp and loud. Mc. 
exclaims.) 

Oh, boys, what a whopper that must have been ! 

Land. He '11 get over it. 

Mc. He 's crazy. {Walks over to r. d. f. Law. stops. The 
noise ceases. He exclaims aside, and in a dramatic tone.) 

The plot is plotted. I will now repair to Mrs. O'Rafferty's, con- 
vince her that McCarthy is the cause of her husband's disappearance. 
That will avenge me against him, and place my name in the papers 
headed, "The celebrated Lawyer Lawsuit will prosecute in the 
celebrated murder case against the celebrated'' — ah ! — celebrated — 
I will go — {starts : stops ; exclaims.) — I will go! {Exit, 



:ili: 



k. d. f., Law., pushing Mc. out of the way.) 

Land. Something up ? 

Mc. Yes: whiskey is up. 

Land. Why do n't you keep it np ? 

Mc. Oi 'd rather put it down. {He advances to desk. Belt 
rings outside. Enter, l. 2 e., Hans ; shouts.) Train 's going vest ! 
i Exit R. D. F.) 

Mc. (to Land.). Say, is that fellow your porter? 

Land. No: my porter is down cellar, next barrel to the ale. 
That 's my clerk. 

Mc. Why do n't yon stuff him ? 

Land. He generally keeps pretty well filled up. 

Mc. What, on your poker ? 
( Enter, r. d. f., Hans with trunk. O'Raff., in the trunk, exclaims.) 

Aisy, now, aisy ! 

Hans (to Mc). Did you speak? 

Land. Who does that trunk belong to? 

Hans. Muchnl Mnckkarty. 

Mc. Not Muchnl Mnckkarty, Michael McCarthy. 

Hans. Who said dot, you or me? 

Mc. You said it. 

Hans. Of course I said it. Vat vas it vour business, if I said 
it? 

Mc. Did n't Oi say you said it? 

Hans. Did n't I say I said it? 
i Hans stands up the trunk at r. d. f. ; starts for Mc. 2he trunk 
falls. Mc. yells.) 



CHUMS. 27 

Stop ban gill g that trunk ! 

Land. Yes: be more careful, Hans. 

Hans. Veil, I could n't help it. 1 do n't throw it over. {He 
stands the trunk at r. c. ; exclaims.) Vat do you put in dat trunk ? 
Stones '. 

Me. Oi '11 put you in it in about a minute! 

O'Raff. {in the trunk). You do, an Oi '11 break your neck ! 

Mo. Oh, you '11 break my neek, will you ? 
(Mo. starts for Hans. The trunk falls, and Mc. falls over it. 

Hans stands against r. n. v., laughing. The door opens suddenly 

from the outside. Ran* falls ovt. Enter, r. d. f., Dicjk, run- 
ning ; jumps over Hans and falls over the trunk. Enter, r. d. f., 

Cop., irho is pursuhig Dick; he falls over Hans, who is on his 

hands and knees. Mc. picks up the trunk; advances to desk. 

Music. The trunk dances around the stage. They get up ; 

look at it ; yell. Exit Dick l. 2 e. ; Land. l. 3 e. ; Mc. r. 2 e. ; 

falls over the chairs ; Hans r. 3 e. ; Cop. r. d. f. Music ceases. 

O'Raff. stops at c; exclaims.) 

O'Rafferty, you 're raising the divil ! Ha! ha! ha! ha! Here 
Oi am, locked up in this trunk, with nothing out but me feet. 
An' Oi moight have been out an hour ago. But what 's the use ? 
Oi moight just as well have a little fun ; and besides, Oi '11 have a 
laugh on McCarthy. 
{Music, dance. Enter, r. d. f., Ah Sing, very drunk, with the 

long Mack bottle ; he dances around the stage, holding up bottle, 

looking at it in a very affectionate manner. The trunk folloios 

him. At c, he turns and sees the trunk ; shotds.) 

Oh! 

[He starts for r. 2 e. Mc. meets him in e. ; shouts.) 

Oh. the divil! 
(Mc. runs hack. Ah gives sudden jump ; turns ; starts for l. 2 e. ; 
meets Dick in e. Dick yells.) 

Fo" <le Lawd's sake ! {And runs back.) 
(Ah ista.rU for r. 3 e. Trunk falls at c. Ah falls over it ; jumps 

up; runs to r. 3 e. ; meets Hans in e. Hans yells.) 

Dander and blitzen ! (Runs back.) 
(Ah starts for k. d. f. Enter Cop. Ah faffs. Cop. takes /dm 

by the feet ; drags him, out, Ah holding the bottle up with both hands. 

Music stops. O'Raff. at c. exclaims.) 

Well, Oi 've raised a divil av a disturbance, Oi have. Oi 'm 
s trill, but oh, gosh! give me room — give me a whole hotel! If I 
(soukl raise myself. Oi \i be all right; but Oi suppose Oi '11 have to 
wait until somebody picks me up. 

< L\nd.'s head appears at l. 3 e. ; Mc. at r. U e. ; Hans at k. 3 e. 

Lajsd. exclaims.) 

Wha — what 's the matter? 



28 CHUMS. 

Hans. Ya! vat 's de matter? 

(All ettier.) 

Mc. Well, Oi 'm sure Oi can "t tell you. Oi 've been out for 
the last half hour. 

Land. Ves, I guess we 've all been out. {Looks around; ex- 
claims.) We — wher — where is the trunk, Haus ? 

Hans. Right out there. Pick him up, Muckkarty. 

Mr. Oli! Eh i Tick it up yourself. Oi ain't the porter for 
this hotel. 

Hans. Veil, no. If you vas, you 'd drink yourself to death. 
(Han> advances to the trunk ; very slowly picks it tip. Mc. advan- 
ces to desk ; exclaims.) 

Give me a room. 

Hans. Ve ain't giving avay rooms. 

Dick. What do you want to do with it '. 

Mc. Oi want to .-deep in it. You do n't suppose Oi want to ate 
it! 

Hans. Say, Irish, vould n't you rather sleep in a bed ? 

Mc (fondly). Say, can Oi sleep here tonight? 

Hans. No: you can sleep upstairs. (Points up.) 

Land. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Please register. 
(Land, shoves out register. Mc. takes pen ; commences to write. 
Land, and Hans crowd up and look ; Mc. exclaims.) 

Saw do- you want this room or do Oi. 

Land. Go on and register. 

(Mc. icrites his name; exclaims.) 

Show me my room. 

Land. Let "s see, number 2b' — show him up, Hans. Do you 
want your trunk taken up? 

Me'. Oi do. 

Land. Hans! (Points to the 'trunk.) 
(Hans advances to trunk : takes hold of It. Mc, starting towards 

him, exclaims. ) 

Now, handle that aisy ! 

i Hans drags trunk. Mc. starts for Mm; exclaims.) 

Do you hear me '. 
( The trunk falls, knocking Hans down. Mc, who is rushing towards 

him, falls over it. ) 

(Drop on First Scene in Act III.) 

Scene 2. — Hotel Corridor in 1 with r. and l. d. f. Down lights. 
O'Raff.'s voice is heard outside of r. 1 e. 

Go on, go on, you conglomeration av pork ! If you do n't Oi '11 
fall on you. 

(Hans's voice.) Oh, mine Gott ! Dot trunk was spooked ! 
i N'oise as if falling down stairs. Enter, r. 1 e., O'Raff. in trim!: . 



CHUMS. 



looks; exclaims.) 

Well, Oi wonder which of those is McCarthy's room. Oh, but 
ain't Oi having the divil av a toime ? Oi '11 go in now and have 
some fun with McCarthy, and then Oi '11 tell him all about the 
whole business. Oh, what a laugh Oi '11 have! {Looks at door.) 
Oi wonder what, one is the right one. Well, Oi can soon find out. 
( Shouts.) McCarthy, you arc a thafe of the world ! Your father 
stole sheep, and your brother was hung ! 

( Mc.'s head appears at l. d. f. ; looks around; steps out. Dress, shirt 
and pants, in his stocking feet, club i?,, his hand. Exclaims.) 

Oi thought Oi heard a whisper. Oh, ho! There 's me trunk. 
Well, now, the laziness av some people goes far beyond any mention 
tbar Oi could mention! Well, Oi suppose Oi must draw it in me- 
t-elf . ( Takes hold of trunk ; draws it as far as the door. It refuses 
to move. He steps inside and pulls. It gives. He falls inside, 
bringing the trunk with him. Door shuts.) 

(Raise on Scene 3.) 

Bedroom in 3. Bed at l. f. 3 e. ; door at c. f. ; washstand at head 

of bed, with pitcher. Mc. discovered sitting at k. of stand, feet on 

top of trunk, smoking clay pipe ; exclaims. 

Well, Oi wonder where O'Rafferty is. Oh, Lord ! How his wife 
will lay it onto him ! [Trunk shifts uneasily.) Me partner is bad 

enough, but Oi 'd hate to be tied down to her (Trunk moves.) 

Well, Oi 've been raising the divil for the last three days — and that's 
:i queer expression — raising the divil for the last three days. Now, 
what the divil would the last three days want with the divil ? Oi 
"II give it up. Sure, this is the only rest Oi 've had for three days ; 
an' now Oi 'm going to have a good square smoke, an' then go to 
bed. [Pi'ffs at his pipe.) Faith, you can talk about luxuries, an' 
your kuickknaoks; but there 's nothing like a solid smoke. 
(The trunk rises up, throwing Mc. back and tipping him out of the 

chair. He shouts.) 

Hur" rup, blazes! {Sits on the floor ; rubs his head-) 
(Enter, c. d. f., Jane; courtesies ; exclaims.) 

Did you ring, sir ? 

Mc. Ring ! No : Oi did n't ring. Oi struck me head against 
that stand, Jin' Oi 've been laying senseless for an hour. 

Jane. Oh, then, it must have been your head ; for I am sure f 
heard something ring! (Exit c. r>. f.) 

Mc. Oh, you did! (Gets up; looks around; exclaims.) 



30 CHUMS. 

Where 'e me pipe ? [Picks a piece of it up ; exclaims.) Oh, this 
is it ! Now. what will Oi do for a smoke? 

O'Raff. Smoke your whiskers. 

Mc. What the divil was that ? 

O'Raff. McCarthy, your overalls is loose. 
(Mc. looks ; advances to head of bed ; looks behind it. The trunk 
follows ; stops at c. of bed. Mc. looks around : sees it ; exclaims.) 

How the divil is that ? Was n't that trunk over there ? Yes — 
eh? — no — yes, it was. No — no. (Steps back; sits on bed; ex- 
claims.) Am Oi drunk, or have n't Oi sohered up yet? Sure, Oi 
'm sweating like a horse. Oh, this is awful close! (lie arises; 
takes water pitcher ; drinks ; sets the pitcher doicn ; gasps as though 
choking ; places one hand at his throat, the other in his mouth ; pulls 
out long piece of cloth : exclaims, as he sits doivn on. bed.) So was 
that close. Oh, Lord! Look at it! Does that belong to the 
house, or to one of the guests? (Examines it.) Why, it 's a 
towel ! 

O'Raff. That 's what Oi towld you. 

(Mc. stands up : exclaims.) 

This business is going just a little too far. Oi do n't propose 
that any man will hide in my bedroom for the purpose of springing 
any such puns on me. {Runs his hand down his back: draics out 
a club : brandishes it : exclaims.) Come out! You might just aa 
well. Oi can find you if Oi want to. Come out ! Be a mac — 
(aside) an' Oi '11 make you a corpse. You wo' n't come out ? Then 
Oi "11 go in ! (Goes around to foot of bed.) Oi '11 fix you, if Oi get 
a wipe at you ! (Gets down on his knees.) 

O'Raff. Get out, you hypocrite ! 

Mc. Oh, ho ! you snake, you divil! You insult me under me 
own lied ! (Shoves his head under the bed : strikes with the club and 
knock* the legs otd frovi under the bed. It f alia on him. He yells.) 
Get off av me! Give me a show! Sure, Oi would n't light that 
way! {Drags himself out: yells.) Now, take a-hold av me? 
Wha — t? Eh? eh? (Looks around: shouts.) Oh, Moses, this 
place is haunted ! Oi '11 stay no longer! (He starts for c. d. f. > 
(Enter, c. d. f., Cop. ; slaps Mc. on the shoulder : exclaims.) 

You are my prisoner! 

Mc. Me ? What for ? 

Cop. Oi arrest you, sir, on charges preferred by Mrs. O'Raifer- 
ty, whose husband has not been seen since he left tlie city in void- 



CHUMS. 3 1 

company three davs ago. Come ! {Pulls him along.) 

Mc. " Me ? Eli ? Why Oi 'in the best friend 

{Exit, c. d. f., Cop. and Mc.) 

O'Raff. Here! Hold on there! Oi ain't dead! Oh, Lord, 

they 've arrested him for killing me; an' here Oi 've been pestering 

the loife out av him for the last two hours ! Oh, what shall Oi do i 

{Noise outside. Cries of fire..) 

O'Raff. What the divil is that ? 

Voices outside. Fire ! fire ! Hotel on fire ! Fire ! lire ! 
O'Raff. Oh, Lord ! the hotel is on fire ! Oi 'in lost ! Oi 'm lost ! 
Oh, please remove this trunk ! 

(Enter, c. d. f., two firemen.) 
First Fireman. Here, Jim, carry that spittoon down stairs, 
and throw this stand out of the window — no, take that quilt — hold 
on ! Take that water pitcher. No : help me dump this trunk down 
stairs ! 

(They take hold of the trunk. O'Raff. yells.) 
Hold on ! Hold on ! 
( They carry it out through c. d. f., and give it a shove. Noise as if 
falling down stairs.) 

{Drop Scene.) 

Scene 4. — Courtroom in 4. Judge's bench at c. f. Dick and Ah 

Sing under bedquilts at l. c. Chairs and tables from the fire piled 

up at k. 4 e. Lawyer's table at l. c. O'Rafferty in the trunk 

at l. 3 e. Prisoners' 1 dock at r. 2 e. 

O'Raff. Oh, if Oi only had a little Jamaica ginger ! Oi 'm all 
stirred up. Eh, somebody coming? Oi '11 keep still. 
(Enter, r. 1 e., Copper McGraw, with McCarthy handcuffed.) 

Mc Whin does this menagerie open ? 

Cop. Oh, 't will be open soon enough for you ! 

(O'Raff. crosses to Law.'s table; exclaims aside.) 

Oil, ho! So they are a-going to examine him this morning, are 
they '. Well, Mr. McCarthy, maybe you wo' n't be so fresh with 
your killing machine after this. Ha! ha! ha! ha! 
(Cop. starts ; exclaims.) 

Did n't you hear somebody laugh ? 

Mc. Oi 'd loike to catch somebody laughing. 
(Enter, l. 2 e., Law., roll of paper under his arm ; stops at table ; 
looks at Mc. ; advances to Cop. ; exclaims.) 

Oh, this is the criminal, the murderer, Mr. McCarthy. 

Cop. (loudly). It is ! 

Law. Ahem, ahem. Too bad ! It is a pity that such a healthy, 
ableb >lied man must be hung, when he might be of a vast amount 
of importance and usefulness, if working on the corporation. 

Cop. (loudly). It is ! 



'A», 



OHUMS. 



(Mc. jumps at the Law., dragging the Cop. with him; shouts.) 

Oh, you baste ! you — you 

Cop. What the divil ails you ? Stand you still, now, or Oi 11 
break your head. 

Law. Do n't get excited, McCarthy. Mrs. O'Rafferty is pay- 
ing me very poorly, and who knows but what I might — that is, for 
due consideration of my ability as a lawyer, I might be induced to 
take up your case. 

Mc. Yon will ? 

Law. For a consideration. 

Mc. What is the consideration? How much is it a pound ? 

Law. Five hundred dollars. For that amount, I will guarantee 
to clean it all up for you. 

Mc. Done ! Give me a pound of it. 

Law. No: it is not done. When it is done, I will give you a 
receipt for the money. Now, just walk over here. 1 wish to ex- 
amine you. 
(Law. advances to table; sits down. Mc. follows ; Law. exclaim*.) 

Novv. sir, answer, and answer truthfully, all the questions I may 
see tit to ask. Now, then, what is your name? 

Mc. Michael McCarthy. 

(Law. ivrites ; exclaims.) 

Very good. What was your maiden name? Oh! — eh? — ex- 
cuse mc. 

(Cop. laughs. Law. writes after each question.) 

Law. What was O'Rafferty doino; when last you saw him ? 

Mc. Taking a drink. 

Law. Quite commendable. Who— who is the smartest lawyer 
in this state? 

(Mo. turns to Cop. ; whispers ; exclaims.) 

Lawyer Lawsuit. 

Law. It is too well known to be recorded. 

(Cop. laughs. Law. looks at him ; exclaims.) 

When you was with O'Rafferty, how was he dressed ? What 
was the color of his coat ? 

Mc. It was black. 

Law. His pantaloons ? 

Mc. Well, the complexion av his pantaloons was rather blue. 

Law. Are you sure? 

Mc. Well, Oi ought to he. They were mine. 

O'Raff. He lies! he lies ! 

(L a.w. ju?nps ; exclaims.) 

Who dares i who dares? 

(Cop. laughs.) 

Law. Now, this business has got to be stopped ! I want every- 
body to distinctly understand that I am to be treared with respect. 



CHUMS. 33 

O'Raff. What 's the matter with whiskey? 

Law. What, "s that ? What 's that ? 

(Cop. laughs.) 

Law. Gentlemen, make no remarks of an ambiguous character. 
It worries and disturbs me. 
(Cop. laughs. Enter, l. 2 E., Judge Brown ; stands behind Law.) 

Cop. (to Mo.). Bejabers! There 's Judge Brown. 

Law. Now. sir, in what condition were you, when you last saw 
O'Raff erty ? 

Mc. Must Oi answer that question ? 

Cop. Yis, sor. Oh, vis ! 

Law. (to Cop.). Order, sir, order! I want you to remember 
that, just at present, it is /, not you. Now, then, Mr. McCarthy, 
answer my question. 

Mc. Well, sor, Oi — Oi — that is 

O'Raff. He was drunk. 

Law. Who was that? Now, I 'd like to know who is running 
this. 

Judge. Yes: that 's what I 'd like to know. Yes, yes. Who 
is running this? By what right, by what authority do you come in 
here and proceed to open court during my absence? Eh ? 

Law. By that, right which every man of my ability has. 
(Judge crosses to opposite side of table ; exclaims.) 

Ability ! You do n'c know the meaning of the word ! 

Law. What, you miserable old blasphemer of all that 's good 
and holy, I know more than you ever thought of knowing! 

Judge. I '11 line you twenty dollars for contempt of court. 

Law. You can 't do it. You are not holding court. I was only 
examining my client. 

Judge. Oh, this is your client now, is it \ So you have gone 
over to the other side, have you? Just what I always thought — a 
regular slider. 

Law. What, you dusty, old, petrified blockhead, you do n*t know 
enough to be a slider ! 

Jcdge. I '11 tine you for contempt of court ! 

Law. You can 't do it. The court is n't open. 

Judge. Then I '11 open it. I '11 fix you ! 
{Gets behind bench ; commences to talk. Law. drowns his voice • ex- 
claims, while leaving his arms.) 

Open your court! open your court! It do n't amount to any 
more than you do! Open it up an' I '11 paralyze it with my elo- 
quence ! 

Judge (shouts). Court is open! Now, why do n't you spout? 
why do n't you preach now? — eh \ — why do n't you swell up? 

Law. {very polite). Your Honor, I would most respectfully beg 
that you call the case of O'Raft'erty vs. McCarthy. 



34 CHUMS. 

Judge. Ahem ! ahem! Oh, so that 's your game, is it? Very 
well, Lawyer Lawsuit, I will do so. [To Cop.) I will examine the 
prisoner. Place him in the dock. 

Me. Where *s Mrs. O'Rafferty ? 

Judge. Mrs. O'Rafferty is very ill. Her husband's disappear- 
ance gave her such a shock that she is not expected to live. 

O'Raff. Good, bejabers ! Whoop! 

Judge. What! yon are not- satisfied with killing her husband! 
You also wi.-h for her death ! 

Mc. Me ? Why, Oi never said a word. 

Law. How do you know fliat he is n't satisfied with killing her 
husband ? 

Judge. I think so. 

Law. How do you know that he has killed her husband ? 

Judge. I think so. 

Law. You have no right to think. 

•Judge. Say, will you shut up until I examine the prisoner? 

Law. No, sir: I will not stop. I came here in the cause of jus- 
tice. I am here in the cause of justice, an' I am justified in being 
here in the cause of justice. I — eh — am — eh— Justice 

Judge. Oh, you are! Well, now, you open your mouth again 
before I open mine, and 1 11 fine you for contempt of court. {To 
Mc.) Michael McCarthy, you are charged with being the cause of 
Terrence O'Rafferty's sudden and mysterious disappearance. Are 
you guilty or not guilty i 

Law. One moment! 

( Crosses to Mc. ; whispers. Cop. tries to push him away.) 

Mc. Not guilty. 

Judge. Where was he the last time you saw him? 

Law. I object. He is n't in a fit condition to be examined. 

Judge. Then put him in condition. 

Law. Officer, remove those irons. 

Cop. No. sir : not until Oi get a written Order from the court. 

Law. And must the prisoner suffer, while the court is learning 
how to write? 

Judge. What, you rusty heap of ignorance ! You dare to insin- 
uate that I, Judge Brown, can not wrire- — I who was winning my 
first cane, when you were working in a brickyard. 
(Dick and Ah both stand up ; throw the quilts off ; rub their eyes ; 
tkr/iw their arms around each other and kiss.) 

Judge. What the devilis- that ? 
(Dick and Ah look around; see Law.; both drop on their knees. 
Dick exclaims to Law.) 

Oil, mister, we did n't know we was here. Why, we went to bed 
over in the hotel, did n't we Singy ? 

Ah. Yes: alle samee. likee Melican man, no takee off a boots. 



CHUMS. 35 

Law. Well, never mind. While yon are here, you are under 
my protection. 

(Judos very quietly picks up a book; throws if at tht Law. ;«p- 

claims.) 

Jnst you please to remember that I am the presiding officer; and 
if any liberties are to he granted. I will grant then . 

Law t . How dare yon 

Judge. Order ! Order in the court ! 

While the Judge is talking. O'Raff. steps up beside him on the bunch. 
The Judge continues.) 

What do you mean by such outrageous conduct ( Do n'r yon 
Know — arc yon not aware that I am presiding ? Order will and 

shall prevail, and 

'< >'Raff. gives him a push : he turns ; sees the trunk ; yells : jumps 

and falls over the bench. Law. starts for l. 2 e. : meets tJu Judge 

at e. ; they fall. Trunk follows. Exit. k. 2 e., Mc. ; k. d. p., Cop. 

Dick and Ah crawl under the quilts. Exit, l. 2 e.. Judge and 

Law. O'Raff. advances to c. : exclaims.) 

McCarthy, where are you? 

Mc. Right where I 'ra going to stay. 

O'Raff. Oi s ve had enough. Come and let me out. 

Mc. S • have Oi had enough, and I 'in going to stay our. 

O'Raff. Come here. It 's me. O'Rafferty. 
Mc.'s 'Uead appears at r. 2 e. ; Judge's and Law.'s at l. 2 b. : Oop.'h 

at R. D. F.) 

Law. Who i? it i 

O'Raff. It 's O'Rafferty. the man who is half dead. 

Judge. Well, stay there until the other half is dead. 

O'Raff. {yells). Say. McCarthy, will you open this trunk \ Oi 
have n't tasted a morsel since Oi last had something to ear. 

Mc. Divil a finger will Oi lay on that trunk — not if you always 
yjot enough to eat. If anybody wants to risk it. here "s the key-. 

Cop. Give me the kays. I know no fear. 

Mc. All right: your' head be on your own blood. {Hand* him 
the keys.) 
i Cop. takes them; advances to trunk. They all enter. Cop. taken 

hold of the trunk. It falls on the quilts. Dick and Ah yell ; 

get out from under the quilts. Oop. jumps back ; drops the keys. 

They all start. > 

Mc. (to Dick.) Here, me boy, bring me them kays. Do i»*t be 
afraid. Oi wo' n't let anybody hurt yon. 

(Dick brings him the keys. Mc. exclaims.) 

There 's me trunk over there. Oi 've a coat in it. and there "s 
some cigars in the coat. I want to smoke. Get me rhe i*o.-il ; and 
whin Oi get the cigars out av it. Oi '11 give it to y«>n. iG' s him 
the keys.) 



36 CHUMS. 

Dick. Why do n't you come in and get it. 

Mc. Oh, sure Oi 'm playing tag with the copper, an 1 I do n't 
want t" szet caught. 

Dick. Oh. nice game, ain't it? I play once in a while, myself. 
{Advances to trunk; opens it ; throws back the top y O'Raff. gives 
sudden spring out of the trunk. Dick yells. Exit, k. 1 e.) 

Mc. Bejabers, it r s ORafferty ! 

Law. Why, .so it is ! 

Mc. How the divil did von come to get in the trunk? {Shake 
hinds.) 

O'Haff. (stvggering). Oh, do n't be talking! Did you hear 
about the ro ibery at the dapoo below? 

Chorus. Yes. 

Raff. Well, that "s what kept me. Sure, Oi knew they were 
c iming ; and Oi did n't want to tell you about it. Oi knew it would 
scare the girls ; so Oi just stepped one side and let ye all go, and Oi 
waited for 'em. Oh, Oi never left the dapoo! No, sir, Oi stayed 
right there until thev come — two of 'em ; and Oi let them go ahead, 
until they got the money out; and then Oi tackled 'em: and, sir, Oi 
had both of 'em down and had me hand on the money, whin one of 
the divils up and blows on a little tin whistle, and in come tin more 
rubbers. 

Law. Say four — it will sound better. 

O'Raff. Yes, as Oi was saying, the other four come in and down- 
ed me — oh, you need n't look ! Sure, what could Oi do agin six men i 
Oi struggled wid 'em. but they got the best av me after a while and 
picks me up and dumps me in the trunk and locks it. In comes the 
trainman, puts me on the train, an' hei'e Oi am. 

(Enter, r. d. f., Hans: stands in the door; exclaims?) 

1 vant to say something. 
Judge. Well, what is it ? 

Hans. Vos Muckkarty hung yet ? 

Mc. Get out. you divil ! (Looks around for something to throw, i 
(Hans advances to c. ; -s-tvw O'Raff. ; exclaims.) 

1 tought he vas died ! 

Judge. Why, no. he was locked in the trunk ! 

Hans. How him get here? 

Law. Put him on the train for baggage. 

Hans. Dander and blitzen ! I vould gif shust fife dollar, of dot 
train vos got all smashed up. 

Judge. Mr. McCarthy, permit me to congratulate you upon your 
narr >w escape from hanging. 

Law. For which you may thank me. Of course 1 do n't expect 
that von will pay the full price: but I 11 throw off four ninety, and 
we '11 call it an even ten dollars. 

O'Raff. Yes. and then we '11 spend the ti;i dollars. 



CHUMS. 37 

(Ah advances, very familiar ; exclaims.) 

Yes, alle samee have big racket. 

Mc. Well, boys, the hotel is burnt out. So we can 't go there ; 
but we '11 all go up to my house and celebrate. And you, O'RafF- 
erty, always remember that two old '"Chums'" should never play 
jokes on one another. 

{Drop curtain on Third and Last Act.) 



^M 



muSF* 0F C0NGRESS 

016 103 370 4 



